At the moment I am reading a book called all I know Now by YouTuber and West End Actress Carrie Hope Fletcher and whilst reading it, it gave me a lot to think about. So I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts and experiences with relationships with you guys. It is quite a long one so bear with me 🙂
For me between the ages of 15 and 19 for me I don’t think I spent more than two weeks of my life being single. I was always either in a relationship or I was involved with somebody but not ‘officially’ if you get me.
At that time I didn’t see much wrong with it. Apart from having a different boyfriend every month of the year which when I look back at now I cringe at and can’t understand why nobody didn’t slap me in the face!
I was very lost and confused at that age and thought the only way I would be happy was to have someone else’s company and attention on me and that I could give another person my attention so that it would take away from how I was feeling inside me. Mind, half the ‘company’ was shite. I just didn’t want to be on my own no matter what. I remember whenever a relationship broke up I would be absolutley devastated I would cry so much. It was like my life depended on having a boy in my life. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck in this rot of ALWAYS needing someone.
When I began secondary school I didn’t get any attention from boys until around the age of 15 so for me this was a huge thing when I started getting attention and I loved it, not going to lie. It made me feel good. For a while anyway. But I got in way too deep and before I knew it I couldn’t stop myself getting into relationships. Even if I didn’t want to be in one or I was not overly happy with that person I still went ahead and thought ‘oh maybe I can change them‘.
That my friends is thee worst possible reason to ever get into a relationship and believe it certainly certainly never works like that. If you go into a relationship thinking you can change someone you will never be more wrong.
Number one you shouldn’t be with somebody who you want to change for a start and number two there are many things in this world we can change, our hair colour, our clothes, our phone numbers, our favourite food, what colour nail varnish we wear on a Tuesday but the one thing you can not change in this world is another person. That person is the only person who has the power change themselves.
I think that was why I always ended up so heartbroken. I could see a lot of good in the people I spent my time with but I was always just getting let down so I think I was just really disappointed and it ended up hurting a lot.
At the age of 19 I finally decided enough was enough. I couldn’t keep going on like this. I was never happy in relationships and I would see so many of my friends so happy and content and I was so jealous, thinking why can’t that be me? Why is it every time I get into a relationship it’s an absolute disaster. Answer to that question is because I repeatedly went out with people who were wrong for me and hoped I could change them. (don’t do that.)
Too often we forget about ourselves when we get into relationships with other people. Our whole world revolves around them and if we are making them happy? But are we making ourselves happy? Are we still reading as much books as we did before? Do we still hang around with those friends who had been there before this relationship? Do we still love to watch musicals as much as before? The answer sometimes is no, no we don’t.
And that was what I found was happening me. I was so tied up in having a boyfriend all the time that I forgot who I was. What I loved to do, what made me happy. We all do it at one stage in our lives..
I decided at the end of my last relationship that I just needed to be on my own. I didn’t care if it was going to take 5 years or 5 months. I just needed time to be me again. I needed to get to know who I was again. Spend time on my own and be comfortable with my own company. Anything that had something to do with a potential relationship or love interest was not to come near me until I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted from a proper relationship.
I think that is a huge problem with some people just like it was with me. We are afraid to be on our own. It is really not that scary believe me. Yes admittedly sometimes it would be nice to have someone to chill out with on a Saturday night when everyone is out but I know myself that I am still not entirely ready to get to know someone so personally again. I definitely have such a different look on what being in a relationship means now and what I would want from one but I know it wouldn’t be fair to me or that person to rush into that again.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and that’s not a bad thing. Take a step back, take care of yourself, have some space, read a book, read fifty books, do the things you used to love doing. Just don’t let yourself get lost in the madness of it all and forget who you are and what you love and just don’t forget what I said – That person is the only person who has the power change themselves.